PRIDE AND PREJUDICE: Chapter 36

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IF Elizabeth, when
Mr. Darcy gave her the letter, did not expect it to contain a renewal
of his offers, she had formed no expectation at all of its contents. But
such as they were, it may be well supposed how eagerly she went through
them, and what a contrariety of emotion they excited. Her feelings as
she read were scarcely to be defined. With amazement did she first understand
that he believed any apology to be in his power; and stedfastly was she
persuaded that he could have no explanation to give, which a just sense
of shame would not conceal. With a strong prejudice against every thing
he might say, she began his account of what had happened at Netherfield.
She read, with an eagerness which hardly left her power of comprehension,
and from impatience of knowing what the next sentence might bring, was
incapable of attending to the sense of the one before her eyes. His belief
of her sister's insensibility, she instantly resolved to be false, and
his account of the real, the worst objections to the match, made her too
angry to have any wish of doing him justice. He expressed no regret for
what he had done which satisfied her; his style was not penitent, but
haughty. It was all pride and insolence.

But when this subject was succeeded by his account of Mr. Wickham, when
she read, with somewhat clearer attention, a relation of events, which,
if true, must overthrow every cherished opinion of his worth, and which
bore so alarming an affinity to his own history of himself, her feelings
were yet more acutely painful and more difficult of definition. Astonishment,
apprehension, and even horror, oppressed her. She wished to discredit
it entirely, repeatedly exclaiming, "This must be false! This cannot
be! This must be the grossest falsehood!" -- and when she had gone through
the whole letter, though scarcely knowing any thing of the last page or
two, put it hastily away, protesting that she would not regard it, that
she would never look in it again.

In this perturbed state of mind, with thoughts that could rest on
  nothing, she walked on; but it would not do; in half a minute the letter
  was unfolded again, and collecting herself as well as she could, she
  again began the mortifying perusal of all that related to Wickham, and
  commanded herself so far as to examine the meaning of every sentence.
  The account of his connection with the Pemberley family was exactly
  what he had related himself; and the kindness of the late Mr. Darcy,
  though she had not before known its extent, agreed equally well with
  his own words. So far each recital confirmed the other; but when she
  came to the will, the difference was great. What Wickham had said of
  the living was fresh in her memory, and as she recalled his very words,
  it was impossible not to feel that there was gross duplicity on one
  side or the other; and, for a few moments, she flattered herself that
  her wishes did not err. But when she read, and re-read with the closest
  attention, the particulars immediately following of Wickham's resigning
  all pretensions to the living, of his receiving, in lieu, so considerable
  a sum as three thousand pounds, again was she forced to hesitate. She
  put down the letter, weighed every circumstance with what she meant
  to be impartiality -- deliberated on the probability of each statement
  -- but with little success. On both sides it was only assertion. Again
  she read on. But every line proved more clearly that the affair, which
  she had believed it impossible that any contrivance could so represent
  as to render Mr. Darcy's conduct in it less than infamous, was capable
  of a turn which must make him entirely blameless throughout the whole.

The extravagance and general profligacy which he scrupled not to lay
  to Mr. Wickham's charge, exceedingly shocked her; the more so, as she
  could bring no proof of its injustice. She had never heard of him before
  his entrance into the ----shire Militia, in which he had engaged at
  the persuasion of the young man, who, on meeting him accidentally in
  town, had there renewed a slight acquaintance. Of his former way of
  life, nothing had been known in Hertfordshire but what he told himself.
  As to his real character, had information been in her power, she had
  never felt a wish of enquiring. His countenance, voice, and manner had
  established him at once in the possession of every virtue. She tried
  to recollect some instance of goodness, some distinguished trait of
  integrity or benevolence, that might rescue him from the attacks of
  Mr. Darcy; or at least, by the predominance of virtue, atone for those
  casual errors, under which she would endeavour to class what Mr. Darcy
  had described as the idleness and vice of many years continuance. But
  no such recollection befriended her. She could see him instantly before
  her, in every charm of air and address; but she could remember no more
  substantial good than the general approbation of the neighbourhood,
  and the regard which his social powers had gained him in the mess. After
  pausing on this point a considerable while, she once more continued
  to read. But, alas! the story which followed, of his designs on Miss
  Darcy, received some confirmation from what had passed between Colonel
  Fitzwilliam and herself only the morning before; and at last she was
  referred for the truth of every particular to Colonel Fitzwilliam himself
  -- from whom she had previously received the information of his near
  concern in all his cousin's affairs, and whose character she had no
  reason to question. At one time she had almost resolved on applying
  to him, but the idea was checked by the awkwardness of the application,
  and at length wholly banished by the conviction that Mr. Darcy would
  never have hazarded such a proposal if he had not been well assured
  of his cousin's corroboration.

She perfectly remembered every thing that had passed in conversation
  between Wickham and herself in their first evening at Mr. Philips's.
  Many of his expressions were still fresh in her memory. She was now
  struck with the impropriety of such communications to a stranger, and
  wondered it had escaped her before. She saw the indelicacy of putting
  himself forward as he had done, and the inconsistency of his professions
  with his conduct. She remembered that he had boasted of having no fear
  of seeing Mr. Darcy -- that Mr. Darcy might leave the country, but that
  he should stand his ground; yet he had avoided the Netherfield ball
  the very next week. She remembered also, that till the Netherfield family
  had quitted the country, he had told his story to no one but herself;
  but that after their removal, it had been every where discussed; that
  he had then no reserves, no scruples in sinking Mr. Darcy's character,
  though he had assured her that respect for the father would always prevent
  his exposing the son.

How differently did every thing now appear in which he was concerned!
  His attentions to Miss King were now the consequence of views solely
  and hatefully mercenary; and the mediocrity of her fortune proved no
  longer the moderation of his wishes, but his eagerness to grasp at any
  thing. His behaviour to herself could now have had no tolerable motive;
  he had either been deceived with regard to her fortune, or had been
  gratifying his vanity by encouraging the preference which she believed
  she had most incautiously shewn. Every lingering struggle in his favour
  grew fainter and fainter; and in farther justification of Mr. Darcy,
  she could not but allow that Mr. Bingley, when questioned by Jane, had
  long ago asserted his blamelessness in the affair; that, proud and repulsive
  as were his manners, she had never, in the whole course of their acquaintance
  -- an acquaintance which had latterly brought them much together, and
  given her a sort of intimacy with his ways -- seen any thing that betrayed
  him to be unprincipled or unjust -- any thing that spoke him of irreligious
  or immoral habits. That among his own connections he was esteemed and
  valued -- that even Wickham had allowed him merit as a brother, and
  that she had often heard him speak so affectionately of his sister as
  to prove him capable of some amiable feeling. That had his actions been
  what Wickham represented them, so gross a violation of every thing right
  could hardly have been concealed from the world; and that friendship
  between a person capable of it, and such an amiable man as Mr. Bingley,
  was incomprehensible.

She grew absolutely ashamed of herself. -- Of neither Darcy nor Wickham
  could she think, without feeling that she had been blind, partial, prejudiced,
  absurd.

"How despicably have I acted!" she cried. -- "I, who have prided
  myself on my discernment! -- I, who have valued myself on my abilities!
  who have often disdained the generous candour of my sister, and gratified
  my vanity, in useless or blameable distrust. -- How humiliating is this
  discovery! -- Yet, how just a humiliation! -- Had I been in love, I
  could not have been more wretchedly blind. But vanity, not love, has
  been my folly. -- Pleased with the preference of one, and offended by
  the neglect of the other, on the very beginning of our acquaintance,
  I have courted prepossession and ignorance, and driven reason away,
  where either were concerned. Till this moment, I never knew myself."

From herself to Jane -- from Jane to Bingley, her thoughts were in
  a line which soon brought to her recollection that Mr. Darcy's explanation
  there had appeared very insufficient; and she read it again. Widely
  different was the effect of a second perusal. -- How could she deny
  that credit to his assertions, in one instance, which she had been obliged
  to give in the other? -- He declared himself to have been totally unsuspicious
  of her sister's attachment; -- and she could not help remembering what
  Charlotte's opinion had always been. -- Neither could she deny the justice
  of his description of Jane. -- She felt that Jane's feelings, though
  fervent, were little displayed, and that there was a constant complacency
  in her air and manner not often united with great sensibility.

When she came to that part of the letter in which her family were
  mentioned, in terms of such mortifying yet merited reproach, her sense
  of shame was severe. The justice of the charge struck her too forcibly
  for denial, and the circumstances to which he particularly alluded,
  as having passed at the Netherfield ball, and as confirming all his
  first disapprobation, could not have made a stronger impression on his
  mind than on hers. The compliment to herself and her sister was not
  unfelt. It soothed, but it could not console her for the contempt which
  had been thus self-attracted by the rest of her family; -- and as she
  considered that Jane's disappointment had in fact been the work of her
  nearest relations, and reflected how materially the credit of both must
  be hurt by such impropriety of conduct, she felt depressed beyond any
  thing she had ever known before.

After wandering along the lane for two hours, giving way to every
  variety of thought; re-considering events, determining probabilities,
  and reconciling herself, as well as she could, to a change so sudden
  and so important, fatigue, and a recollection of her long absence made
  her at length return home; and she entered the house with the wish of
  appearing cheerful as usual, and the resolution of repressing such reflections
  as must make her unfit for conversation.

She was immediately told, that the two gentlemen from Rosings had
  each called during her absence; Mr. Darcy, only for a few minutes to
  take leave, but that Colonel Fitzwilliam had been sitting with them
  at least an hour, hoping for her return, and almost resolving to walk
  after her till she could be found. -- Elizabeth could but just affect
  concern in missing him; she really rejoiced at it. Colonel Fitzwilliam
  was no longer an object. She could think only of her letter.

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1. Ebooks list page : 81
2. PRIDE AND PREJUDICE: Chapter 58
3. PRIDE AND PREJUDICE: Chapter 44
4. PRIDE AND PREJUDICE: Chapter 42
5. PRIDE AND PREJUDICE: Chapter 41
6. PRIDE AND PREJUDICE: Chapter 40
7. PRIDE AND PREJUDICE: Chapter 39
8. PRIDE AND PREJUDICE: Chapter 38
9. PRIDE AND PREJUDICE: Chapter 11
10. PRIDE AND PREJUDICE: Chapter 12
11. PRIDE AND PREJUDICE: Chapter 45
12. PRIDE AND PREJUDICE: Chapter 46
13. PRIDE AND PREJUDICE: Chapter 49
14. PRIDE AND PREJUDICE: Chapter 57
15. PRIDE AND PREJUDICE: Chapter 56
16. PRIDE AND PREJUDICE: Chapter 55